My secret blog ;)

Its been a really long time since i last posted something. I’ll admit I’ve been busy. Lots of things have changed since then. Last post i read was about Jack going to sandakan. Well he’s been back for quite a while now n is having his holiday while i’m stuck with lectures and classes. Its not really an ideal schedule but what can i do about it.

Am currently working on my final year project (FYP) and i am just super horrified about not finishing it yet i don’t act like how i’m suppose to. My code is not running. It hasn’t been running for weeks now n i don’t know how to make any progress about it. I’m super terrified which is why i’m trying to find programmers to help me out there. If i don’t finish this in time, i don’t think i’ll be getting close to even graduating. *sighs* I am worried sick yet i don’t think anybody nearby gets what i am going through each day. All the most likely do is wish me good luck like that would help. I pray for a miracle as i really need one. If things don’t work out, I don’t know what alternatives do i have. My family as though expects me to graduate by this year. Or i just make myself think that way as a self-motivation. Well, i just really hope things do turn for the best. :S

Today was the day i terminated my celcom broadband. It was literally wasting my money so i had to do it. Never really found out what was wrong with it in the end but i guess life continues moving on. Tomorrow shall be the day i get a new broadband hehe~~ still havent decided which is better between digi or maxis. I might go with maxis in the end ;D

I just suddenly remembered once that i made a promise with baby that i would bake him a cake and he would cook me spaghetti if we do get married hahahaha! xD

And also i remembered asking him to bake a cake for me for my birthday hahaha xD

how can i forget all these things xD

I miss him dearly already….today was what seemed would be the last day baby and i would hang out again like our normal date. It was really heart breaking to a point i had to suck back gallons of tears every now and then and act like everything is okay. I asked God yesterday if it were possible for him to stay instead of go to Sandakan for his 5th medic semester. Tears almost ran down my cheeks as i prayed that God would listen and that there would be another way for this to work out. It was either that or make me stronger. So strong that my heart would be made out of stainless steel to not feel the pain of longing that i constantly get whenever i think about him. This wish might be impossible but im sure that if it were God, anything is possible. Only God knows now how i truly feel and what i go through every second i think about the future and about jack and i. The only secret i keep to myself. And also the only pain i endure on my own. Tears well up and my lungs hurt every time i suck it in and constantly tell myself im strong enough and that this might even be good for us to be this apart. I might learn to be less clingy and be more independent. I might even force myself 1 day to learn to drive a car confidently and safely. But then again the thing that is really difficult to ignore is the constant longing i have. Its like i cant live without him. Life would be meaningless and the world might as well be a dull gray and white color if that were the case. It hurts…

Today on our date, it was too difficult to even let his hand go for even a second. It feels like it would be years again before we could be together and somehow i dont know how to deal with that right now. Im emotional to the highest point. When we were having dinner with my parents at pizza hut our song rang on the speakers just out of coincidence. It was a really nice experience to be with him at that point. Even with my parents just in front of him, he started humming and singing the lyrics which made me smile. Even now im listening to the playlist i made that contains all the songs that remind me of him. Its very calming. When we were at the Hunger Games movie today, he kept asking me for kisses. I gave in once and he asked for more which was really funny. He means everything to me. He is the reason why i smile most of the time in a day. He might never know any of this even though it is clearly the truth since nobody really know about this blog of mine but…if he does find out then he would know how i honestly feel about him. He may think sometimes that i am just being me…but he doesnt know me on the inside. He might think that nobody would ever love someone like him but he should know that he means everything to me, not even the world could compare…

I consider myself to be pretty lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend. It may sound like I’m bragging but I do honestly feel that way. I realize almost all the time he would patiently wait for me when I’m slow in doing things like eating and shopping and especially making decisions no matter small the seriousness of the matter at hand. I’d instantly feel guilty of all the time i usually make him wait for me but then he never seems angry or upset or anything like that. I used to think he might be just the type of person who would like to ignore those things but then most of the time he doesn’t seem that way. I still cant figure him out most of the time especially the times he manages to make me laugh my head off. He’s quite a simple guy in almost everything but he makes me experience the best moments of my life that i miss a lot most of the time because of his busy schedule on his way to becoming a doctor. He asked me once if i regretted being with him. I totally denied it. Being with him has filled my days with more smiles and laughter than i can imagine. I cant imagine losing him to anybody or anything possible. I often wonder if we’d stay this way if we had the privilege to get married to each other. Considering the stories I’ve heard about married couples who sometimes lose interest in each other once they get children. It worries me sometimes no matter how far that future may yet come true maybe someday. I asked him today if he would get tired with a person what would he do with him or her. He asked me a person like whom and i answered like me. He simply said then i’d figure better things for us to do together. I love you like…i love you he simply said in the end. I understand that statement in a way like i love you is like no other and somehow it gave me a pinch of hope and faith in our relationship. Its a nice and secure feeling to know i have him. I can smile to myself just thinking about it. It makes me feel blessed and loved =D